The white apple: ch1

Life might throw you at different paths. Paths that might seem dark, long, depressing, and seem impossible to get out of, but just when you are about to give up, you will find a way out. This way will lead you to a different path, one that might be more pleasant if you are lucky enough.
Unlike me, life threw me into lots of dark paths. But luckily, I had people in my life that lit up these paths in order for me to find myself out.
You see, life is all about: trust, forgiveness, moving on, letting go, acceptance, determination, love, hate, and so forth. Sometimes it directly throws solutions to your problems, but sometimes you would be too blind to see them. Sometimes it could trick you - or you'd trick yourself - into choosing the wrong paths, and the wrong people, because of an event that has occurred to you.
So now what paths have i been through? What events occurred in my life that made me make the wrong decisions and choose the wrong people? What are the pleasant things that happened in my life? Who were the people who lit up my paths? The answer to all of these questions could be summarized into one word. Love.

When I was just twelve years old, my parents got divorced. Two years after that my Mom died in a car accident. It was hard on all of us. We now live with our Dad, and every single day of my life, I have to live with the fact that I will never see my Mom again. It took us a long time to adjust, and we are still struggling. Mom was the one who really carried our family, but she taught us to always stick together, no matter what. In fact even after my parents got divorced, they still lived close to each other to be able to see and check on us everyday. Also, my sister, Maryam, and I never really felt like children of divorced parents. We were able to see both of our parents’ everyday.
Our parents tried their best to act normal around us, so we wouldn't feel the change. It was only when my Mom died, that our family grew apart. We rarely saw or talked to each other. Dad was always busy at work, but we didn't really care at the time, because we didn't really need anything from him back then. My sister was too busy in college, which was really close to our house so she still stayed with us. And then there's me... ***
I was fourteen at the time. The plan was to pick up Malak before heading to the ice-skating rink, where we'll meet our friends. Before I left I did my regular four taps check. Phone, check. Wallet, check. Tiny perfume bottle, check. Box of cigarettes...check.
It was dark outside, and the streets seemed a bit deserted. I walked under the glittery stars until I was at a clear sight, where no one I know could see me. I laid my back against the red bricks of a building in an alley. I was able to hear two men yelling, something about scratching the others car. I felt my brain pounding; I couldn't stand listening to them yelling, soI walked a bit further down the alley until i was relieved, and could hardly hear much noise.
I got out the box of cigarettes, and tapped the box against my palm a couple of times. I took out a cigarette, and placed the filtered end between my lips. I placed my tongue in front of the end of the cigarette to get a better taste, sucked in the cigarette, allowing the air to only stay in my mouth, without entering my lungs. Then I inhaled again, but this time allowing the smoke to enter my lungs. I left the smoke in there for a while and then blew my stress away.
I walked slowly, so I would be able to finish the cigarette before getting to Malak’s, because she doesn't like it when I smoke, and I didn't want to upset her.
On my way, I saw the men who were yelling earlier. I hid behind the closed shop they were next to, and observed what was going on. There was a young man, about twenty years old. He had dark, long hair that went right under his shoulders along with dark green eyes, the color of a maple leaf. He was wearing a light blue shirt, with dark jeans.
The other guy looked like he was in his mid-forties. He had grey, thin hair. I couldn't really make out his eye color, because of the glasses he was wearing.
"Just pay me the money for this scratch, so I can move on with my life already!" The younger man shouted.
"I've already told you, I need this money to get my medications, and I need to get them now!" The older man said coughing.
The dark haired guy swore under his breath, then shouted, "Alright if you really are saying the truth, what the hell do you need to get? What's wrong with you!"
The older man coughed a little, and murmured, "I need to-" he started coughing again, and then soon he was on his knees coughing out blood.
I just froze there, staring. The dark haired guy helped the other guy up, and started looking around with his startled eyes for help. When he didn't see anyone around he clamored, "Don't worry I'll get you to the hospital!" He helped the man into the car, and drove away.
I took a couple more puffs before I stepped on the cigarette. I started recalling what I just saw and thought about how ironic that situation was. How the young man was in a rush to just get his money, and go. He wouldn't even accept the others guys number, or go with him to the repair shop to actually see how much money was needed to repair the damage. How he was then forced to miss out on whatever he was on a rush to get to, because he had to take this guy to the hospital. It's funny how they were arguing, and then seconds later the dark haired guy became responsible for a complete stranger, who he just met!
It's funny how enemies could become friends in seconds, and vice versa...

***

When I got to Malak’s house I rang the silver door bell, and took a few steps back to have a clear view of the whole house. I admired how the tree branches went right over the beige walls. I noticed how the moonlight would shine on their second floor window. I peeked through the squared door holes on the door, and saw the strong, dark, green grass. I took a long gaze at the shrub roses that bordered half of the grass area.
Gazing at them made me feel like this whole house is similar to Malak. She always seems so peaceful, and pretty when you look at her. She just has this look that instantly makes you feel like you can trust her.
I heard her light steps coming down the short stairs. She opened the door with a greeting grin of an innocent child. She was wearing a white shirt, with a black cardigan on top paired with long jeans. I lit up inside at the sight of the necklace I bought her for her thirteenth birthday around her neck. When she was just about to say hello the grin of an innocent child, turned into a frown of a disappointed mother.
I forgot to get rid of the cigarette scent.
She stared at me for a while, then she took a deep breath to calm herself down, and said, "Abdurrahman, you’re my best friends, god forbid, but if anything bad happens to you -" She stopped.
She took a couple of seconds to continue while I just stared into her eyes. No word would come out of my mouth. I wanted to say something, I knew it was difficult for her to continue, but I didn't know what to say. I also thought of just hugging her and tell her that I will be fine, but I couldn't for two reasons: firstly, I couldn't move, I felt like her words attached me to the ground. And secondly, I didn't want to lie to her, because I didn't really believe that I'd be fine.
Finally she continued, "If anything bad happens to you-," tears were sliding down her eyes, and she was almost screaming. At that moment I realized if something bad happens to me, I wouldn't be the only one getting hurt. I actually had people who really cared about me, and just like I cried about Moms death, they would cry if anything were to happen to me.
"Listen, I'm not making any promises, but I will get some help, and try to stop. I really do want to stop. I thought about it before, and I realized that my Mom would be very disappointed if she knew I smoked." I looked down at the ground, with guilt, and continued, "See, the only reason I started smoking was because the guys told me it'll help me forget, and that it will take away the pain. It didn't work. It only lowered my fitness level, gave me horrible breath, and burned some of my money with every cigarette I lit up. But you have to understand that this isn't easy. I am trying to stop, please believe me!"
"We're not going skating." She said, as she started walking.
"Then where are we going?"
"We are going to play bowling with Noor, Talal, and Adam."
"But what about the others?" I said, "We can't just ditch them!"
"Abdulrahman! Do you even hear to yourself?" She shouted, "You just told me they are the ones who made you start smoking, and now you want to go back to them? If you really want to get your life back on track, then you should be friends with people who will help you do that! Not with people who could potentially destroy your life!"
“You look funny when you’re mad.” I chuckled.
She rolled her eyes, “Shut up, and let’s go.”
***
The first thing I spotted when we entered the bowling alley was a brunet. She had long straight hair, her nose was thin and straight, her hazel eyes were sparkling as she laughed. Her teeth weren’t perfect, but were so white that they reflected the lights above. When I followed her gaze to see what she was laughing at, I noticed she was looking at Talal. I took a second glance at her, and realized it was Noor.
I’m not sure why somehow I didn’t recognize her at first. I see her everyday at school, but this time there was something different. It was as if I was seeing her from a different set of eyes; from a new perspective.
While I was observing Noor, Malak walked right in front of me, blocking my view. I realized I’ve been staring at Noor the moment I stepped foot into this place. I made my way through the small crowd trying to catch up with Malak.
“You guys made it!” Grinned Noor, as the others greeted us.
“Can we join?” Asked Malak.
“Sure!” smiled Adam, flashing the most greeting smile I’ve seen.
“But you guys have to go easy on me, it’s my first time.” Malak said shyly.
Adam went first. He stepped up, grabbed the heaviest ball he could find, and focused on the pins for a couple of seconds. I had great competition, I thought. If I want to fit in, I have to win. I would prove to them that I’m good at something.
I put my focus back to Adam, observing him as he gazed at the pins. Then to my surprise, he turned around, opened his legs a little, and smiled. Then he started swinging the ball between his legs, and released. The ball rolled, and only managed to hit one pin. They all started cheering for him, and he was actually celebrating.
I smiled as I realized how pathetic I was. These guys aren’t like my other friends. They don’t take everything as a challenge. They wouldn’t neglect me from their group if they thought I wasn’t good at something. They wouldn’t make me think any less of myself if I didn’t want to do something they told me to do. They are just regular people, who want to have fun, and are not afraid to be careless sometimes.
After Adam finished celebrating, he grabbed the same ball he did before. This time he intended to score points. He took a deep breath, swung his arm back, nailed his left foot to the ground, then he threw half of his body forward with the ball to gain extra power, and surprisingly, he managed to get a spare!
Malak went next. She shuffled her way towards the bowling balls, looking a bit nervous. She grabbed a ball, and tried to mimic what Adam did on his second attempt. Unfortunately, she only managed to bring down one pin.
When she was just about to take her second go Noor stood up.
“Wait, let me help you.” She grabbed another ball to demonstrate for Malak. “First make sure you're holding the ball correctly, like this, and make sure you're comfortable with your grip. Now, I don’t know how the pros do it, but I usually stand with both feet parallel to each other, back straight, and ball in both hands.” She said as she demonstrated to Malak.
“Like this?” Malak whispered.
“Exactly, like that! Now concentrate on the pins and give it a go.” Noor said.
Malak did exactly as she was taught. The ball raced down to the middle pin, but tilted a little to the left by the end. Malak was still able to bring all the pins down, but one! Malak, and Noor started jumping in excitement, and we all started cheering, and laughing.

After bowling, we all decided to have dinner. Half way through, my emotions started to scramble. My head started to ache a little, and I felt like the tiniest thing would have pissed me off. I rose up pretending like I got a text from my sister asking me to come home.
“Oh, I’ll come with you then, just give me a minute to finish my food.” Malak said.
"No, it’s alright. You just got here an hour ago. Don’t worry I don’t mind going alone, its not like it’s the first time, or anything.”
“But who will walk me back home? I can’t walk alone at this time of day.” She protested.
I looked around, trying to find someone who could substitute me. Maybe I can get a taxi; he could get us to Malak’s house quickly. Then I will be able to smoke, and straighten my thoughts again. I know, it’s stupid; the way I’m thinking right now is stupid, selfish, and wrong. I’m choosing a piece of paper that’s wrapped around tar, nicotine, lead, cyanide, and more disgusting and deadly things over my best friend! I am fourteen years old. I’m not supposed to be killing myself with cigarettes; I am supposed to be killing myself with junk food. I’m not supposed to be lying to my friends to get home; I am supposed to be lying to my Dad to leave home. The only problem is, I really can’t stop. No matter how hard I’ve tried before, I just keep finding myself going through the same path. I’m always choosing the same path. The feeling is just indescribable. The feeling I get when I’m smoking, it just makes me feel so relaxed, takes away all of my stress, and problems even if it was just for a little while.
“Abdulrahman?” Malak asked.
“Yeah, umm…”
“Don’t worry, Abdulrahman, I’ll be glad to walk her home.” Adam said.
I glimpsed at Malak to make sure if she was okay with it. She nodded, happily.
“Alright then, see you guys later. I really had fun, thanks!”
I raced out the door as fast as I could. Instead of heading home, I decided to smoke at the back of the place. There was no one back there, except for a brown cat digging up food in the garbage. I spotted a couple of blocks piled by the wall, so I sat on them, and relaxed my back against the wall.
When I was down to my third cigarette I was already visiting my dreams. I pictured a house; it had white walls, the color of the clear clouds. A big, silver gate was in the middle of it. I’m going through the gates in a black 2011 Lexus CT200h. The moment I walk in the house, I see my six-year-old daughter racing to me. I pick her up, and spin her around.
Then I see my wife coming down the stairs; lighting up the place with her smile. Her hands gently sliding down the stairs' bar. She comes, gives me a kiss on the cheek, and then brings our daughter to her feet. We’d all sit down at a round table, having lunch, and hearing each other’s stories.
“Mrs. Kean told us it is ’bring your Dad to school day’ next Tuesday. Do you think you can come?”
“Did I ever say no to you?” I replied to her.
“She said you are supposed to give us a lecture about life. Do you think you can do that, Daddy?”
“I can summarize the whole lecture to you in just a few words: ‘You can be whoever you want, and do anything you want, as long as you believe’.”

Then I was back to reality. If things really were that simple, I actually can do whatever I want. I can stop smoking. I can get my life to the way it was before. I can bring our family back to the way it was. I can leave the people who ruined my life, and stay with the people who will actually be my friends. If I was ever going to be that type of father, and husband, I must deal with the problems I’ve got. Life is hard at times, but everything has it’s up, and downs, and I just need to focus more on the highs more than the lows.